Moments
by Rion
Summary: A moment, an insignificant portion of time. Yet many things can be born in the instance of a moment and then gone forever. Sometimes a moment can seem like a lifetime. Sometimes a moment can be.


Moments  
  
By Rion  
  
Powered by the NGEWorx engine 2.001  
  
  
Moment 1 - The children  
  
  
  
*****  
Crush  
*****  
  
"I feel sick."  
-Asuka Sohryu  
  
  
It was supposed to be the end.  
  
The end of the pain, the suffering, the loneliness...  
  
I turned my back on that. I wished myself back   
to the physical world, the Earth from whence I was   
spawned, the Earth I will eventually return to. It was a   
nice sensation having no fear, guilt or shame. I now   
know what Karou meant by death being the only real freedom   
there is. But I couldn't accept what I was being   
offered, not while knowing that there was someone else I   
would share pain throughout eternity with. It had to end   
between us.   
  
What better time that at the end of the world?  
  
Even though a blood red sea laps at my feet and   
the sight of crucified Eva's stretches along the   
coastline, it doesn't interest me in the slightest.   
I look down at you, still dressed in your plugsuit although  
your left arm is heavily bandaged and there is a thick patch   
over your left eye. But I look past your injuries and notice   
your beautiful features; your soft tanned skin, your flowing   
red hair, your toned body, especially those parts which make   
you female that I am still ashamed to speak of even while   
you sleep. Even amidst all your injuries you are still a   
breathtaking sight for me. I had believed for a long time   
that my attraction to you was purely physical because of that   
reason.  
  
I run my hand through your hair slowly, I hear you make   
a slight moaning noise in your slumber. It makes me smile   
briefly. No, your beauty isn't the only asset I noticed during   
my time with you. Your strength, your will, your courage, your   
sense of purpose. All those traits I wished I could have   
inherited. I dreamed of being more like you.  
  
How wrong I was. Being joined with every mind and soul   
in existence, even for a brief moment was enough to tell me a   
lifetime. Your lifetime. I have your every thought, your every   
memory joined with mine as if they were my own. I shared your   
joys and your sorrows. For that brief time I was you and I saw   
what kind of person you really are. I saw that we were both   
more alike than we would ever admit to one another in life.   
Perhaps in another world we may have found happiness.  
  
Like an idiot I didn't want to believe the inevitable.   
I kept telling myself that if I persevered, rolled with your   
punches, battered against your walls you might just let me inside.   
I now know I never had a chance, you only saw me as an obstacle   
that got in your way and a plaything you used for your own   
personal amusement. Yet with all my hopes shattered like fragile   
glass, my mind dared to dream of some impossible future between us.   
  
You have no idea how I longed to hear a kind word come from   
your mouth. To make me feel like I was worth existing with you.   
Those times were few and far in-between. I kept them as my most   
treasured memories, now I see them as agonising reminders of you.   
Through all the moments that were shared there was one undeniable   
fact. You lived purely and simply for yourself, you never wanted   
to depend on anyone, you never wanted to love anyone. The great   
Sohryu Asuka Langly, larger than life. You sacrificed much for   
this belief; your happiness, your health and finally your sanity.   
But I still loved you despite this selfish attitude. Perhaps I   
was just too nice for my own good. Or perhaps blinded by your   
other charms.  
  
I became so dependent upon your presence that even as you   
lay helpless in the hospital bed, unwilling to move or speak I   
came to you constantly, seeking solace just being close to   
you, hoping to hear even a harsh word from you. Anything to   
revive the dream.   
  
Instead I took advantage of your comatose body in my   
moment of weakness. It was wrong I know, it had gained me   
nothing. It was some hollow moment of fantasy where I could have   
enjoyed you as a male might wish to. As I look at your still   
sleeping form I get the same feeling I had before, but I control   
it this time. I now wonder what I was thinking, hoping that you   
would wake up and all the pain would be gone. I was fooling   
myself. A frightened little boy clinging to a little girl who   
was no more than a living corpse.  
  
I hoped that I could have understood you better knowing   
all these things about you, that perhaps we could have started   
anew, but I cannot. You chose a path of hatred long ago and   
there was nothing I nor anyone else could do to dissuade you.   
You couldn't love anymore. You had stolen my heart and refused   
to relinquish it until you had completely crushed it with your   
personal hatred.   
  
I lean over you body and look at your almost   
peaceful face, had this been a month ago my stomach would have   
filled with butterflies and my tongue would have tied itself in   
several knots as a result of being this close to you. I feel   
nothing now.  
  
You said to me that I only thought I loved you because you   
were convenient. Never could you have been further from the truth.   
I could have endured and attack you could have launched against me   
if I knew that one day you would accept me and love me as I had   
loved you. Just thinking about you only serves to hurt me further.   
Its time to settle this Asuka.   
  
Pushing the bile back down my throat I reach forward to   
clasp my hands around your neck roughly. This seems to be enough   
to awaken you as I push my thumbs harder against your throat,   
blocking your airway. Your good eye looks directly into mine, I   
see no surprise or malice about what I am doing, you make no   
effort to stop my assault. Your self control amazes me, is this   
the Sohryu Asuka Langley I knew who would never admit defeat?  
  
Your gasps become deeper and more desperate, I see that   
you are in great pain but press forward. I had run away from   
everything in my life. I am going to do this. I will kill you.   
I tighten my grip further and watch as your life slowly ebbs out   
from your body. Then you do something I never had expected.  
  
With your last ounce of strength you reach up and caress   
my cheek with your good hand. My hands immediately let go of your   
neck, my anger gone in an instant at the touch of your soft hand.   
You suck in a deep breath and begin to cough loudly. Damn you   
Asuka, damn myself why can't I be angry with you? I was so close.   
Now I have to live with you.   
  
I feel sick.  
  
  
***********  
Replaceable  
***********  
  
"If I die, I can be replaced."  
-Rei Ayanami  
  
  
I'm afraid. Afraid of what lies beyond this   
life, which will end in mere seconds. I should be   
comforted by the fact that I have done what was   
necessary. Fulfilled my purpose.  
  
But I am not.  
  
Why am I crying? I know that humans cry when   
they are sad. Am I sad? Yes. I am crying as my hand   
reaches out to the destruct trigger. I am sad because   
my life is coming to an end.  
  
There was a time I would have pulled the trigger   
without question, without an order. I yearned for the day   
that I would no longer be required. Cast aside and   
forgotten, knowing that there would always be another to   
replace me when I failed.   
  
I also feared that day because then my life would   
belong to another, even if we both shared the same   
appearance, the same sounds, the same smells. But she   
would not have the same thoughts, the same feelings.   
She would not be the same person I was. Like myself and   
the first.  
  
She would be an impostor like I was, and the one   
before. The end result of a man who would never let go   
of the past, who would condemn the future to relive a   
precious memory. I believed that my purpose was for him   
and only him, and only now I realise the waste, the   
hopelessness of it all.  
  
In a world where so many had died, what was   
the value of a single life? Do I have a right to feel   
sad for my own impending demise? I know that human   
instinct is based around self preservation, which is why   
the population cowers in underground bunkers as our enemies   
parade through the city above. But I have also seen   
through the eyes of my Eva that self sacrifice is also   
part of human nature. Was it may nature? I'm not doing   
this because I was ordered to. I am doing this because I   
know there is no other way. This makes me sad. I am sad   
that I know that there are dozens of willing candidates   
waiting only several hundred metres below to experience   
life... my life for themselves. I do not want to give my   
life to them.   
  
I believed in logic, human logic that was shown   
to me at NERV, at school, in what little society I had   
lived in. I also believed in my creator and his logic   
as insane as it seems to me now. What changed me? What   
lead me to the point of caring about whether I lived or   
died? Why can I not accept my own choice?  
  
What makes me so different from the other   
children? I am just as important, if not more so.   
I am the key to the vaunted third impact and genetically   
superior to the other children yet it is I who is   
replaceable. The second is doubts herself, shutting   
herself away from the world, slowly decaying. The third   
has always been reluctant, unwilling to do what was   
necessary. Yet even with their faults I realise their   
value. Something I can never have.   
  
Made in a tank through the use of science I   
was bred to be perfect in every conceivable way. In   
the end this perfection also meant disposability.   
They could always make another. But would that other   
really be worthy of such a gift bestowed upon it?  
  
I was not.  
  
I realised all too late the joys of life. I   
will never experience a fraction of what the second   
or third have, or will. I am... jealous.  
  
In my ten years of life in this doomed world   
I had experienced so little, kept untouched, bred for   
only one specific purpose, a goal that is unreachable.   
I have experienced so little of what life has had to   
offer, I rejected it. Now I see what I will never get   
to experienced, what I will miss. I realise this now   
with my final breaths. My life has been a lie,   
purposeless.   
  
No.  
  
I once heard the statement 'one person cannot   
make a difference'. In this chaotic world of ours I   
would have believed that sentence if it were not for   
Eva. Time and time again I witnessed Ikari Shinji the   
seemingly frail and gentle boy who expected to amount   
to nothing in life turn the tide in humanity's favour.   
I always wondered if I should have been jealous of his   
ability, like the second. But I soon realised that   
ability made him unreplaceable in everyone's eyes.  
  
However here and now the boy even with all his   
power is helpless to win this battle. It is a simple   
matter of necessity, doing what one must at any given   
moment. Ikari must live on to continue his mission.   
  
Ikari Shinji, people would say that he share   
nothing besides a physical resemblance to Ikari Gendo.   
They are wrong. Their eyes betray their feelings all too   
well, which is why Ikari-san hides his behind his glasses.   
Sometimes he would remove them for me and let me see the   
real him. His eyes would never lie to me, just like   
Ikari-kun's, who I first noticed when he rushed to my aid   
as my Eva laid crippled on the ground.  
  
Those eyes made me feel needed. They still   
do as I watch Ikari-kun's eyes in the video screen as   
he travels to the surface. Those eyes give me comfort.   
Those eyes show the fear and regret and it is then I know   
that I matter, that I will be missed. I would do anything   
for those eyes. I will give up my life for those eyes.  
Those eyes who do not force or ask me to do what I am, but   
who plead me to stop.   
  
I cannot. I hear Shinji cry into the radio,   
asking if there is any other way. Major Katsuragi has   
gone silent because she knows what I do. It must be   
this way.   
  
The man who gave me life, even if I am just a   
clone of his beloved. Even though he has witnessed my   
dead body once, that he knows that there a dozens of   
others waiting in line after me, he still cried  
for me. He is the father I never had. The boy who   
cared about me unconditionally no matter how hard I   
tried to push him away. He is crying for me now, begging   
me to retreat, only concerned for my safety. He is the   
brother I always wanted. I'm dying for them. I would   
still die for them even if I knew I could not come back.   
  
I now know that my choice is the right one.   
I must die in order to preserve them. Their mission   
has not ended. I will die for you both because I believe   
in you. I can only hope the third and I share a common   
interest in keeping them safe, that she will help them as   
I have.  
  
The radio chatter is now only a mild crackling   
in my mind, their protests and orders all just seem an   
entire world away. I know I must leave closure, make   
them realise that my sacrifice is worth something. Even   
though they won't realise it. Please forgive me all.   
Farewell Ikari-kun, Ikari-san. I hope that with my   
death comes your future.  
  
"If I leave the AT field will cease to be."   
My final words are said.  
  
I pull the trigger, no longer afraid of what   
lies beyond. Because I know that in my heart I am   
not replaceable.  
  
  
****  
Dare  
****  
  
"I'm not afraid!"  
- Shinji Ikari  
  
  
I'm bored...  
  
So bored I'm actually watching you.  
  
A million thoughts race through my mind as   
I watch you lean against the wall. Always with   
those blasted earbuds stuck in your ears, blocking  
out the big bad world. I've always wondered what   
you play on the old SDAT of yours. I could always   
make you tell me but then where would be the fun in  
that?  
  
I also noticed that you are wearing   
something other than your irritating white shirt  
and dark blue pants. The polo shirt looks nice on  
you and the jeans conform to the shape of your legs,  
not looking tight or extremely loose at the same   
time. Actually look half decent at the moment.  
It's strange that I haven't seen you dress like that  
before. I wonder why you chose tonight?  
  
Actually, you look kind of cute.  
  
What am I thinking? I've never been this  
focused on Shinji ever before. I must be REALLY  
bored then. But then I guess I brought this on  
myself, I declined an offer by Hikari to go to the  
movies tonight. Why, I don't know. There's nothing  
good and TV and I've read all my magazines for this  
month. Maybe I should just go down to the cinemas   
anyway, the movie couldn't have been on that long...  
  
Nah, it wasn't a good movie anyway. It was  
times like these I really envied Misato, being old   
to be able to go out to bars and nightclubs. To be  
with men like Kaji-san. Not little boys like   
Shinji-kun. Did I just... I did. What brought   
that on?  
  
Kaji is a very impressive man. He is   
handsome, witty, funny, interesting and he actually  
cares about me and what I have to say. He's so  
much better than all the boys at school who are  
only interested in me for my beauty. I mean who  
could blame them? But I'm not a piece of meat just  
to be gawked at dammit!  
  
I pick my head up from the table so I can  
get a better look at you Shinji Ikari. You're not  
much better than those boys. But as much as I hate   
to admit it, 'not much' is better than nothing   
compared to them. Afterall you're an Eva pilot, not   
much of one at times but still you're one us... the   
elite. You're part of my world now. I wasn't too   
fond of having you around at first, and it seemed   
you agreed with me there. But I've grown to accept,   
and perchance I say... enjoy your presence.  
  
But you still annoy me.  
  
Shinji Ikari, the poster child of meekness.  
You're just so spineless, you never accept   
responsibility for you own actions, a coward in every  
possible way...  
  
Yet here you are in the most dangerous job  
in the world, doing impossible things, things that I   
would never have imagined a person like you would do.  
What kind of contradiction is that?   
  
Maybe you aren't so bad.   
  
Still... you're not a man like Kaji-san is.  
But then I guess I'm not exactly a woman like Misato.  
Although by her definition of a woman, I'd rather not be  
one. So I guess we're the same, no matter how much I   
want it to be different. A boy and girl.   
  
What am I thinking?  
  
You're stupid Shinji and I am the great Asuka  
Langly Sohryu. You're nothing like me. It's almost   
sad to watch you bumble through your pointless little  
life. I'm about all the colour that you have, afterall  
Misato is nothing more than a lush, Wondergirl is just  
a freak and those two other stooges you hang out with   
are even bigger losers than you are.  
  
So what can't I hate you like everyone else?  
  
By all rights I should hate you more than   
everyone. At least they have shown a little more flair,  
a little more guts in their lifetimes. Is there   
something beneath all that meekness that my eyes can't  
see? Perhaps it's Eva, or perhaps its something else  
that drags that spine out of you.  
  
Lets just see shall we. Man I must be REALLY  
bored to even consider this.  
  
"Hey Shinji, you wanna kiss me?"  
  
The look on your face is priceless. If I were   
truly a heartless bitch I would have ended the idea  
right there and then. But I want to know. Why, I don't  
know but I just have to.  
  
"Kissing, you know, have you ever done it?"  
  
Your choked reply tells me all I need to know.  
  
"So let's do it"  
  
"Why?" You ask. My heart sinks slightly, I  
had hoped you might have jumped at the chance to prove   
yourself to me. Maybe I was wrong.  
  
"I've got nothing else to do." I grin   
predatorily at you. I watch you flinch slightly, I knew  
I had power over you, but not this much.  
  
"That's your reason... you're weird."  
  
Ohhh there's some spunk still left in you! Now  
all I have to do is draw it out.  
  
"Afraid to kiss a girl on the anniversary of your  
mum's death? Is she watching you from up in heaven?"  
  
"That's not it." You mumble.  
  
I know that was low. But I want to see that   
confidence in your eyes again. Time for the coup de grace.  
  
"Or are you scared?"  
  
"I'm not afraid, pucker up!"  
  
Wow, he might just do this.  
  
"Right. Did you brush your teeth?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Then here I come."  
  
I saunter up to you and stand in front of you, our   
faces on centimetres apart from one another. Your breathing  
is getting heavier as I see your nervousness begin to set it.  
I can see you're going to chicken out at the last moment, your  
eyes betray you. But I want the satisfaction of pulling off  
my little experiment.  
  
"Stop breathing, its tickling me."  
  
Before you can do anything I grab your nose and press  
my lips to yours.   
  
Its... its...  
  
Rather plain really. I thought that the sensation of  
having my lips pressed against yours would actually be very  
enjoyable. Well that's what it looks like when adults do it  
anyway. Perhaps I should try and use my tongue... No! Not  
on a first kiss, hentai!   
  
I really try to like it, to make it seem more   
passionate than it is. Its not working. Perhaps it was all  
the buildup I gave it in my mind, or perhaps its him...  
  
WAIT A MINUTE! I'm kissing Ikari Shinji, BAKA-SHINJI!  
AND HE'S KISSING ME BACK!   
  
I break the kiss quickly and watch you gasp for breath  
before dashing off to the bathroom and grab the mouthwash.   
After rinsing and spitting out into the basin I look at my   
reflection in the mirror.  
  
Why did I do that? Why did I dare him to?   
  
  
------  
Author's notes:  
  
This is the first instalment in the Moment's series. At first  
it started with replaceable then crush followed soon after and   
was joined by dare. By then I had a series of moments planned  
out for each Eva character. The Moments series will take a   
powerful moment in an Eva character's life and expand it to   
give the reader an interpretation of what the character might   
have been thinking/feeling at that stage. Each will be grouped   
into 3 related stories (by character role). My thanks to rhine  
for assisting me on the characterisation - especially in Dare.  
I must also give credit to Joshua 'Gargoyle' Trujillo for the   
idea inspired by his Vignette series.  
  
Next up - Friends. 


End file.
